What’s the secret to happiness? It’s a question that’s captivated us for centuries, filling books, sparking philosophies, and driving scientific research. It’s also the very reason I became a psychologist. I won’t claim to have all the answers, and this isn’t just another feel-good mantra. I’ve wrestled with these ideas myself, going back and forth, but I sensed that the struggle meant I was onto something. After all, with everything we know about happiness, why does it still feel so elusive? Let me share some insights that have emerged in my work with clients, and what unfolds over a series of sessions.
To find the answers, start with the right questions
This is the second part of my series on emotions (read the first part here). Did you know that happiness is one of the six universal emotions? It’s an integral part of human experience and recognized across all cultures. Basic and universal as it may be, happiness remains one of the hardest emotions to truly grasp.
As Albert Einstein famously said, “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” So, let’s question the question itself: is "How to be happy?" even the right one?
I realized that not a single client has ever asked me to help them be happy. Yet, deep down, isn’t that what we all want? Who doesn’t want to be happy? But we know happiness can’t be the goal. It’s like a moving target, a fleeting feeling, not a destination. As Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor puts it brilliantly:
Happiness is like the warm smell of Thanksgiving dinner. Not the meal itself, but a sign of it. Just as the aroma signals a feast, happiness is the result of a life well-lived.
If happiness isn't the goal, then what is - a client's story
Let's take Ann, for instance:
A client - let’s call her Ann - reached out and said, “I feel like I’m drowning in all of this.” She had a clear goal, something she was driven to achieve, but he couldn’t get a handle on everything piling up around her. “It’s like I know what I want, but managing it all? I just can’t seem to figure it out.” Her anxiety was creeping in, making it even harder to see things clearly. “I need a way to make sense of this, some kind of system to help me keep it all together,” she told me, looking for a way to calm the storm. She looked quite unhappy.
Now, as her coach, I could have offered various project and time management techniques to tackle the many tasks she was juggling. She would have felt we were making progress, and in some ways, we would have been. But as is often the case, I sensed a deeper, unspoken need. I didn’t just want to solve the immediate problems. I wanted to create a lasting impact in her life, something that went beyond productivity.
As Alan Watts said, life isn’t a journey with a destination, it’s more like music, meant to be danced to while it’s playing. But imagine only hearing random notes, with no melody to guide you. You want to move, maybe even dance, but there’s no rhythm to follow. That’s what life can feel like without a sense of purpose.
So, I knew what we needed to do. “Let’s take a step back,” I told her. “Let’s zoom out a bit and look at the bigger picture. Find the melody that connects all those scattered notes in your life.” She nodded, ready to try. We decided to work on uncovering her sense of meaning, and from there, we started crafting her purpose statement.
Throughout our sessions, we tried different approaches. I offered her techniques and exercises, some to work on with me and others to practice at home. Of course, life threw its share of curveballs, at one point, some bad news really set her back. But Ann kept coming back, and slowly, things started to click. Bit by bit, she was finding her rhythm.
A psychologist's guide to better questions for happiness
So here’s a better question than “How can I be happy?” Ask yourself, What’s my why? What is my purpose? And how can I live my purpose in daily life? Based on Simon Sinek’s work, purpose can be understood as:
Purpose = What you bring + what difference you make
Work: What you bring to the world.
This isn’t limited to a traditional job, it’s about meaningful contribution. In a recent LinkedIn poll, I asked you to guess what makes work fulfilling. Research suggests that it's the combination of earned success and serving others. As Arthur Brooks points out, without struggle, our achievements can feel hollow, and if we’re only working toward self-serving goals, it won’t take us far. In other words, if your work is challenging but tied to a purpose beyond yourself, chances are you’re on the right track. And this leads us to the second pillar:
People: What difference you make.
Purpose goes beyond personal goals; it’s about impact on others. We’re social beings, and as Esther Perel wisely says, “The quality of our relationships defines the quality of our lives.” The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest study ever conducted on happiness, shows that meaningful relationships are the strongest predictor of long-term well-being.
Find your why and the rest will follow
Once you’re connected with that “why,” everything else begins to fall into place. Your purpose becomes the melody that harmonizes life’s scattered notes. You’re doing purposeful work and building meaningful connections with others. From there, you can surrender to the moment, and sometimes even dance to this thing called life - as Alan Watts teaches. Take my client, Ann. Even through difficult times, her newfound inner strength kept her moving forward, giving her the clarity and confidence she’d been searching for.
Now, back to you. What is your why? What keeps you going? What’s the inner belief that drives you, no matter what? When was the last time you allowed yourself to truly be in the moment, knowing that you’re living just as you’re meant to live?
Not sure of your purpose or how to define it? Try this simple exercise with friends to help you strengthen connections and gain clarity in your “why.” Once you’ve articulated your purpose, you can dig deeper by reviewing your daily activities to see what aligns. Check out my previous post for a tool that can help with just that.
About me
I’m Nelli, a certified counseling psychologist and career coach. My purpose?
"To guide people to find their meaning, so we create a world of greater freedom and fulfillment."
Book a free chat to get started!
References:
Brooks, A. C. (2023). Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier. New York: Portfolio.
Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.
Harvard Study of Adult Development. (1938–present). Harvard University.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. New York: Free Press.
Sinek, S. (2009). Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. New York: Portfolio.
Watts, A. (1951). The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety. New York: Pantheon Books.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity. New York: Harper.
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