The antidote to anger isn’t calm. Managing emotions: a psychologist's series Pt. 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about emotions, especially the ones we often treat as taboo. Anger, in particular, is one of those emotions - especially for women- that we’re often told to suppress. The tricky thing with anger is that it can feel like it takes over our whole body and mind. And while it's often seen as unacceptable to express anger, we’re rarely taught or shown what to do with it instead. So, let’s take a moment to understand what’s really at play here, and how to effectively manage emotions.

How many times have we been told to “calm down”? Has it ever really worked?

What if, instead of trying to force ourselves (or others) into calm, we approached anger differently?

This is the first in a series where I’ll explore how we can better understand and manage our emotions.

Understanding anger: losing power

Have you ever noticed that when you're angry, it’s often because you feel powerless?

Maybe it’s a work deadline that’s been moved without warning, a toddler refusing to put on shoes when you're already running late, or even something as small as being stuck in traffic.

At the heart of anger is usually the frustration of feeling like things are happening to you, without your input or control. So, how can we approach this differently?

The antidote to anger isn't calm - it's control.

Anger is a basic human emotion and serves a purpose, it’s our mind’s way of telling us that something isn’t right, that a line has been crossed. The real key to handling anger isn’t forcing calm - it’s regaining a sense of control.

Exercise: take control to manage emotions

Here’s an exercise to help manage those moments when anger starts to bubble up.

1. Identify your triggers

Think about the situations that tend to make you angry. Is it work deadlines? Conflicts at home? By identifying these triggers, you’ll become more aware of when you’re losing control.

2. Name the emotion

Acknowledge it, even by saying "I'm really angry/frustrated right now!". Being aware of the emotion can be a huge step, you will find, sometimes it only takes this much us to not react. Knowing that an emotion is like a wave, so it will get bigger before it gets washed away, can be really helpful too.

3. Build in control

Here’s a Jedi trick: when you know you’ll face triggering situations, get a step ahead and intentionally build in something that is within your control. For example, if traffic makes you mad, try letting someone cut in front of you before it happens to you. However controversial it sounds, this way, you can turn the inevitable into something that feels more within your power.

4. Do something that’s a small win

Even after becoming aware of the emotion, you can feel a lot of that nervous energy in your body, and that is only natural.

Try to take a small action that gives you an immediate sense of control. Here are a few ideas:

• Get moving (and hit the basket!): A quick stretch, jump, shaking exercises or walk can break the frustration loop. Even tossing a crumpled paper into the trash can be an oddly satisfying little win.

  
  

• Help someone: If you see someone carrying something or doing a simple task, offer to lend a hand, even if you're still feeling upset. Why does this work? It's twofold: first, you accomplish something tangible, which can shift your focus away from your frustration. Second, helping others is a proven mood booster, and it's one of the simplest ways to change your emotional state for the better.

  
  

• Make a cup of coffee (your way): There’s something satisfying about making a cup of coffee just how you like it. This familiar ritual can give you a small, calming win.

  
  

• Color-sort and declutter: Organizing something small, like your pens or desk, can quickly give you a sense of achievement. It helps you regain control of your space, which in turn shifts your mindset.

  
  

• Doodle or fold an origami bird: Sometimes, focusing on a creative task like folding an origami bird or doodling can distract your mind and help release frustration. You get to create something small and satisfying in the moment.

5. Create a Visual Reminder

Write down a keyword or phrase that reminds you to take action when anger starts to rise. Stick it somewhere visible: on your desk, fridge, or car. Phrases like "Let the wave go", “Shake it out” , “Take a win” can help reset your thoughts in the moment.

A shift in perspective: control over calm

Next time you or someone around you feel anger building, instead of trying to “calm down,” ask yourself: What small action can I take to regain control? Whether it’s a quick walk, lending a hand, making a cup of coffee, or folding some paper, these tiny steps can make all the difference. Anger isn’t something to ignore, it’s a message. That said, we can be prepared so it doesn't wash us away.

How does this resonate with you? Which of these would you try? What are your triggers, and how can you bounce back by feeling more in control?

About me:

I'm Nelli, a certified counseling psychologist and career coach, and I help individuals navigate emotions and transitions - especially when anger decides to crash the party - to build fulfilling careers and lives. Get in touch for a free chat!